Well, I’m feeling awfully conflicted today. I have a little personal sort of kinda not really love triangle going on. Lemme explain and give you a back ground on each of my potential lover people things.
On one side we have Dallas. (Yes, I've changed the names.) Now, Dallas and I started talking right before me and my ex
On one side we have Dallas. (Yes, I've changed the names.) Now, Dallas and I started talking right before me and my ex
broke up. He was there for me through all of that, begged me not to go back to my ex. I opened up to Dallas, told him everything about myself in hopes that he’d run off like most do when I spill the beans. He didn’t. He stuck by me when I was cutting, and he was amazing. We went on three dates, and I am an extremely awkward dater. I put my foot in my mouth and stutter constantly, I can’t get one word out without sounding like a retard. I started getting jealous and thought, well maybe he is dating other girls. So I wanted to seal the deal. This kid had told me he wanted me, I’d even jokingly asked him to marry me. We were the real deal. Or so I naively thought. I asked Dallas where I stand in our relationship and he replies with something that completely threw me off guard. He believes that you have to be friends before a relationship to occur. I respected that, and I was willing to be his friend, but he was the one who took the step towards relationship type things. Now that I was available, he asked if we could be friends until we sprouted into a couple. I was crushed. I had invested so much time and feelings into him, thinking he liked me back. Of course, he said he wasn’t friend zoning me, but it sure as hell felt like it. He was damn near perfect. He had goals for the future, he was perfectly okay with not doing anything sexual, and he was like a best friend to me. I’d told this kid a lot of shizz and he hadn’t turned his back on me. I wanted him so bad. I agreed to be his friend and we’ve still been talking on and off since, but it’s not the same as what it used to be.
On the other side we have Cillian (he chose his own name, I had nothing to do with this). I was scrolling through an online dating web site and saw his profile somehow. I can’t remember how, go figure. I was looking through his pictures and was stunned by how attractive he was. I mean, I normally go for the tall, husky, less attractive guys (sort of like Dallas), but he was sexy in his own way. I would have never had the confidence to talk to him. I think I liked one of his pictures or something, I’m not entirely sure. All of a sudden, he is asking me questions, messaging me, liking my pictures. I was so confused. He thought I was gorgeous and was commenting on my photos. I mean, I’m not horrible looking, I’m fairly pretty when I try to be, but this kid was soooo out of my league. We started messaging and somehow we just clicked. It felt like we’d known each other forever, but he is practically the polar opposite of me. He is popular, smokes, and drinks. He parties when the closest thing I get to having a party is when all of my dogs come in and sit on my bed when I’m watching Netflix. Yeah, my life is sad, you don’t have to tell me. I don’t judge people for how they live their life, and upon further investigation we did have a lot in common. I told him as little as I could about my past, though I did hint a little about my father. After knowing each other two days, he said he loved me. I was falling fast, I could feel it, but I held on tight to my walls, I didn’t let anything he said actually go to heart. He kept hinting at sexual things and I could feel myself withdrawing, but he was just too perfect to pass up. Despite our differences, I did develop feelings for him and we’ve talked on the phone and such. I just can’t help but feel I’m going to get hurt again. It took me 11 months to give anything sexual to my ex, and when I did, I contracted in on myself. I just don’t know how to tell him that I do have urges, but I hate everything about them.
So, here in lies the conflict. I have the perfect guy who wants to be friends, and the other perfect guy who is going to expect sexual things in our relationship and I’ve only known him less than a week. I wish I could bring myself to open up to Cillian, to tell him what I told Dallas, but every time I open up and reveal myself to someone, I always get hurt. I don’t want to allow Cillian to have any way to hurt me, and I’ll probably get into the same predicament I was in before, participating in sexual acts and then hating myself and my body enough that I start cutting. I don’t want it to get to that point again, but I do enjoy being pleasured while it happens. It is simply afterwards that I feel the shame and guilt. I simply don’t know how to get over my fears of sex and males, even just of opening up, to be able to have an honest relationship with anyone. It really is frightening to even think of telling Cillian anything. Maybe it’s simply better he stays in the dark, but I can’t give him my entire heart until then.
Signing off,
A very confused young girl.
On the other side we have Cillian (he chose his own name, I had nothing to do with this). I was scrolling through an online dating web site and saw his profile somehow. I can’t remember how, go figure. I was looking through his pictures and was stunned by how attractive he was. I mean, I normally go for the tall, husky, less attractive guys (sort of like Dallas), but he was sexy in his own way. I would have never had the confidence to talk to him. I think I liked one of his pictures or something, I’m not entirely sure. All of a sudden, he is asking me questions, messaging me, liking my pictures. I was so confused. He thought I was gorgeous and was commenting on my photos. I mean, I’m not horrible looking, I’m fairly pretty when I try to be, but this kid was soooo out of my league. We started messaging and somehow we just clicked. It felt like we’d known each other forever, but he is practically the polar opposite of me. He is popular, smokes, and drinks. He parties when the closest thing I get to having a party is when all of my dogs come in and sit on my bed when I’m watching Netflix. Yeah, my life is sad, you don’t have to tell me. I don’t judge people for how they live their life, and upon further investigation we did have a lot in common. I told him as little as I could about my past, though I did hint a little about my father. After knowing each other two days, he said he loved me. I was falling fast, I could feel it, but I held on tight to my walls, I didn’t let anything he said actually go to heart. He kept hinting at sexual things and I could feel myself withdrawing, but he was just too perfect to pass up. Despite our differences, I did develop feelings for him and we’ve talked on the phone and such. I just can’t help but feel I’m going to get hurt again. It took me 11 months to give anything sexual to my ex, and when I did, I contracted in on myself. I just don’t know how to tell him that I do have urges, but I hate everything about them.
So, here in lies the conflict. I have the perfect guy who wants to be friends, and the other perfect guy who is going to expect sexual things in our relationship and I’ve only known him less than a week. I wish I could bring myself to open up to Cillian, to tell him what I told Dallas, but every time I open up and reveal myself to someone, I always get hurt. I don’t want to allow Cillian to have any way to hurt me, and I’ll probably get into the same predicament I was in before, participating in sexual acts and then hating myself and my body enough that I start cutting. I don’t want it to get to that point again, but I do enjoy being pleasured while it happens. It is simply afterwards that I feel the shame and guilt. I simply don’t know how to get over my fears of sex and males, even just of opening up, to be able to have an honest relationship with anyone. It really is frightening to even think of telling Cillian anything. Maybe it’s simply better he stays in the dark, but I can’t give him my entire heart until then.
Signing off,
A very confused young girl.