I cut two days ago. I wish I could tell myself why I did it, why I really felt the need to. I've considered throwing my blade away, but every time I go to do it, I just can't bring myself to do it. I just feel so lost. Especially of late, my emotions have been so out of place. I texted Austin, of all people, and confided in him. I guess I still trust him with personal things despite all he's done to me. He thinks moving out of my house is a good idea, but I can't bring myself to do it. I told Meg what I did and she has been amazing. I told Austin she looks down on me, and I still think she does but she has spent a lot of personal time with me. She even offered to come down when I felt myself getting depressed today. I just don't know how to fight this off. I have been too depressed to even write lately, and that is what gives me the most pleasure in life. I just feel like everything I do for everyone else never gets noticed, no matter what I try to do. I spread myself too thin just to make other people happy and then I break down. Dereck has been physically abusing me lately and there is nothing I can do about it. I've told mother, I've even tried to fight back. He is taller than me now, and despite my strength, his height is used to his advantage. I just don't know what to do. Beside my cuts are bruises. I scared myself the other night. I never think of suicide. Ever. I am too strong for that. And the thought absently crossed my mind what everyone would do without me. I stopped thinking about it immediately. I am not one of those people. I may have issues coping, but I will never hurt myself to the point of death. The mere thought shocked me. I just don't know how to stop myself. I am going swimming on Friday. I don't know how I am going to hide my cuts. My grandma found my blade. I told her I was scraping paint off my door. Meg put it very well today. We were talking about how my mom parents my brother and I differently. She smacks me, shoves me, tells me how pathetic and worthless I am. Dereck only gets loud words and warnings. I told Meg it was because she thinks Dereck is just going to snap one day and just fall apart. She turned to me and said, "She should be worried about you. You are the one who is emotionally fragile."
I put on a mask that even my mom can't see through. Only the people I tell know I'm in so much pain. I don't like seeming weak. But I need someone to lean on right now.
I put on a mask that even my mom can't see through. Only the people I tell know I'm in so much pain. I don't like seeming weak. But I need someone to lean on right now.