want in life. I want to be strong, independent, reliable young woman. I want to be able to support myself and be able to find strength within myself, not others. I hate how needy my mother is. Not only how much she relies on other people, but also how she finds it necessary to rely heavily on medication to make her way through life. I suffer with insomnia as well, and night terrors. I can go through days without a good night's sleep. That is just how my life is, and I respect that. She, on the other hand, finds it necessary to take medication for the same issues I face. Not only that, but when I went and had my wisdom teeth removed, I was given pain killers. She took those with her sleeping medication, knowing from experience how they effect her. She tried making herself food while under the influence of this medication and started a grease fire in our kitchen. This is my role model. A woman who abuses medication
She says she has supplied us with everything we've ever needed and more. And whereas that might be true, she has done it through lying and stealing. She has never actually earned any of the things she gives us. Just the other day we went on a shopping for make-up with money she illegally obtained. But it didn't even phase me when she told me this. I have become accustomed to my mother's ways, when I shouldn't have to. I know whenever her blind client calls I am going to have to come up with yet another excuse as to why my mother can't go shopping with her. I am having to lie for her, and she makes me a part of her lies and expects me to participate in them without hesitation. I don't even know what to do anymore. I do love her more than anything in the world, but I can't respect her. When she gets upset at me for not doing chores on time, I simply think back to all the terrible things she's done in life and wonder if doing the dishes a little late is really all that horrible. I have spoken to my grandfather about this, the man I look up to most in this entire world, and his opinion of my mother astonished me. He thinks all she wants is attention. She could get a real job and allow me to get my license so I could drive myself and my brother to and from places. But she doesn't want to. She wants to cheat her way through the system, through life. I feel sorry for her. When I am gone, when my brother is gone, she is not going to have any excuses. No kids to pick up from practice or drop off at an internship. She will have to reflect back on her life, and by then it'll be too late to change. She is going to be like the forever and there is nothing I can do to change that...
Sincerely yours,
Lost and Confused.