So, as I don't think I told you, Cillian and I are in a relationship. I've completely gotten over Dallas. He wasn't worth my time anyways, he friend zoned me for another girl (I'll probably make a post soon explaining that situation). But anyways, we are together. Cillian and I. I cannot even begin to explain why, but I've fallen so quickly for him. Even though I refuse
to tell him about my past, it's almost like I don't even need to. Yes, it would be nice to have someone to talk to, to free my mind of a few things. But I've been having less and less night terrors lately and I don't really see the need to tell him. He knows my father did some things, but the specifics aren't necessary. I feel like instead of telling him things about my past, I should be focusing on my future. Even just on the present. By holding up my feelings just out of fear of him rejecting me because of my past is only hurting me. I honestly believe he is different than Austin, and all the other people that have fucked me over in my life. For once, I can honestly say that I have let go of my walls completely. I've let him in.
And that is where it gets frightening.
I'm falling so fast. I still talk to Austin every now and again as a friend, but the pain in my chest is slowing dying day by day. He is being replaced, and whereas he will always be my first love, he is a different person than I am. He needs someone who is okay with over sensitivity. I am not that person, I despise people who mope and cry. If our relationship had continued, I would have ended up not only hating him, but also hating myself for letting it continue. It is better this way. Cillian, on the other hand, is practically exactly like me. He's affectionate, intellectual, and as far as I can see, he has a very strong personality. I need that strength in my life right now. I seriously can't explain how, but it feels like I've found the other half of myself. But once again, this scares me. I understand that everyone always gets hurt, but I feel like any pain he puts me through will be ten times worse than any of my other relationships. I fear for our first argument, I don't want him to have any reason to dislike me. Ever. I couldn't stand to have him see me any less than what he does now.
I'm probably just worrying senselessly, I do that a lot. I love Cillian. Probably a lot more than I should. That is enough for me to worry. We haven't even met yet. It's frightening. I just keep hoping for the best.
Sincerely yours,
A Smitten Young Girl.
And that is where it gets frightening.
I'm falling so fast. I still talk to Austin every now and again as a friend, but the pain in my chest is slowing dying day by day. He is being replaced, and whereas he will always be my first love, he is a different person than I am. He needs someone who is okay with over sensitivity. I am not that person, I despise people who mope and cry. If our relationship had continued, I would have ended up not only hating him, but also hating myself for letting it continue. It is better this way. Cillian, on the other hand, is practically exactly like me. He's affectionate, intellectual, and as far as I can see, he has a very strong personality. I need that strength in my life right now. I seriously can't explain how, but it feels like I've found the other half of myself. But once again, this scares me. I understand that everyone always gets hurt, but I feel like any pain he puts me through will be ten times worse than any of my other relationships. I fear for our first argument, I don't want him to have any reason to dislike me. Ever. I couldn't stand to have him see me any less than what he does now.
I'm probably just worrying senselessly, I do that a lot. I love Cillian. Probably a lot more than I should. That is enough for me to worry. We haven't even met yet. It's frightening. I just keep hoping for the best.
Sincerely yours,
A Smitten Young Girl.